Divorce Humor

I was shopping for a birthday gift for my daughter yesterday. The Nashville store had a very large selection of Barbies. There was Malibu Barbie who came with a surfboard and a cute bikini for $19.95. Outdoor Barbie came with a tent and was wearing hiking shorts and a flannel shirt for $19.95. Then there was DIVORCE Barbie. She was wearing casual clothing and sensible shoes, but her price was $375. I asked the sales clerk why she was $375. He replied, “Because Tennessee Divorce Barbie comes with 1/2 of Ken’s stuff.”

A guy slices his ball in the woods and goes in to look for it. He meets a girl from the next fairway looking for her ball. They start to chat and have a wonderful little conversation. She suddenly says to him, “You know… you look like my third husband.” He says, “Oh really?”, and then asks her how many times she’s been married. “Twice,” she replies.

“Junior, just think…someday 1/2 of all this could be your future ex-wife’s.”

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Forty-four years ago we had a cheap apartment, cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.”

Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up to your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old girl and she would make sure that I once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

My wife is a very reasonable woman!

If you saw your ex-spouse and their Tennessee lawyer drowning in a swimming pool, would you go to lunch or the movies?

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet, doesn’t mention the affair, and just speeds up.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and he is now doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”.

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need.”

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall, “The airbag!”